Published September 6, 2010
Within me there is a decline
Whether a slow, slipping decline that passes through my soul like wet cement
Which goes, and goes for days, and then dries out, and crumbles
Or it trickles, like melted wax, drizzling down the plateaus of an abyss
But then I'm up again, better than ever, or for a moment
And every day before I get into bed, I can at least say I've reached The High End of Low
I would appreciate some thorough editing.
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One thing I really like to do in my poetry is use "negatives" That way, you imply stuff and still get the imagery, but in a cool round-about way.
So, like, you could say "it isn't a slow, slipping decline" or "it doesn't pass through my soul like wet cement"
I don't know. I like like the idea. It leaves me wanting more....
"Decline" is repeated in the second line. It was too repetitive. I suggest rephrasing the poem so that there is no need to repeat "decline". "Whether slow and slipping, passing through..." is one possibility.
Comma overuse/abuse. I suggest "Which goes (and goes) for days, and then dries out and crumbles".
You overuse/misuse commas in general throughout the poem. I suggest maybe rewriting this in prose form so that you can more easily see where commas would be better placed or removed.
This line makes no sense. In particular, it's the "or for a moment". "Or for a moment" what? I suggest nixing the "or".
Otherwise, there's not much else to say. I enjoyed the simplicity of this poem, and the descriptions of the decline as concrete and wax were quite vivid.
Firstly, this is lovely.
Your images are brilliant, and perfectly portray that slipping, sliding, melting feeling which is given solidity by the cement and wax metaphors. I haven't said this in quite awhile here, but I honestly have no critique. It's marvelous as-is.